Deana’s Story
“Somewhere along the way of helping others, I lost myself. For over 15 years, supporting the happiness of those around me came at the expense of my own well-being. I thrived on winning approval and validation from others while neglecting to address my own needs. I didn’t really have time to deal with issues in my own personal life because I was constantly moving and doing for others. Looking back now, as a newbie in my golden years, I’m beginning to come to grips with the realization that for a long time I just didn’t love myself enough. I was in a long-term relationship, on and off for almost two decades, and my tolerance of toxic behavior gradually turned into acceptance. Not knowing how to set boundaries, my emotional state suffered to the point of depression.
My physical health and appearance also declined. I couldn't sleep and at night I felt like I had developed poor blood circulation. I thought, what is going on with me? One day, I had an epiphany: Deana, you’re overweight. I then said to myself, I’m moving around. I’m active. I’m always doing something. How did this happen? I’d always been able to present myself fashionably and in a way that is complimentary, so I didn’t really see how far gone things were. I didn’t recognize the effects of unresolved grief in my everyday life.
The turning point for me was when I looked at my health, and I realized that the problem was the lack of self-discipline. A person who truly loves him or herself is going to exercise discipline and I just didn’t have that at all. I chose to commit myself to a weight loss program and to stick to it. Once I started changing my daily eating habits and losing the weight, I also started setting boundaries in my interactions with others.
Finding balance between strength and vulnerability can be hard when you're overcoming self-loss. You want to feel some kind of strength, but not be overpowering. There are still days when I allow myself to grieve, to be sad, to cry, to beat up on myself. Sometimes, I’m overwhelmed with disappointment because I know I could be so much further along if I’d loved myself more, but reflecting back on how I was raised and having the understanding of the grace of God, I know that my life has purpose. I’ve dodged so many bullets that I never thought that I would live to see the age of fifty. However, God says that these are the things you were, you don’t have to stay that way. I believe that people can change. I believe in embracing a new state-of-mind.
I am finding happiness in doing more of the right, constructive things for myself… just being in charge of my own happiness. I have always been the type of person to find satisfaction in making others happy. I’m a doer and a fixer by nature, the kind of person who is determined to make situations better by getting to the core of the issue. Now, I’ve turned my focus and concentration on doing just that for myself. I’m treating myself better so that I can teach others how to treat me. I know when to say no and when to stop extending myself. If you keep giving, giving, and giving, what do you have left at the end of the day for yourself? Overall, I have learned how to take pleasure in just being myself. Sharing my journey on this platform is only the beginning…there are endless possibilities to inspire others through my story. I’ve always wanted to write a book and become a motivational speaker.
During this COVID-19 pandemic, we are literally losing people and don’t always realize that we can experience the loss of self as well. In the past, people saw more in me than I saw in myself. At this point, I have accepted the fact that I am a ray of light and it’s okay to be that; it’s okay not to dim that light; it’s okay to say, ‘I am better than that.’”