Funmi’s Story
“I think that my case is a little different from most people's. I had a series of pregnancy losses. My very first experience of loss was a set of twin girls. I was 6 months pregnant and realized that I started having contractions. I delivered the twins, but they weren't alive. In that experience, I was in the mindset of not grieving. I was just thankful because I believed that there was a reason that they did not survive.
I later gave birth to a girl, and she lived until she was 2 ½ months old. After her death, my husband and I were pregnant again; the baby was a boy and I miscarried. For the most part, after each loss I just kept moving forward and telling myself that there was a plan.
My next pregnancy was my daughter, who survived. She’s now 10 years old. After her birth, I thought, God did it this time and I was out of the woods. So, my husband and I decided to have another baby. We got pregnant and we were very happy and excited.
One day we were out walking and I had a sixth sense that something wasn’t right. I said to my husband, ‘Something is not right with me.’ We called the doctor and went to the hospital. The medical staff brought the ultrasound machine to my room; and you could literally see the baby’s heart beating and stopping. The doctor and resident doctor were both there. The resident started crying and she asked the doctor whether there was anything that they could do. The doctor said, ‘The heart stopped and the baby is gone.’ My daughter died at 34 weeks.
I laid there trying to compose myself, but this loss hit different. I wasn't very thankful this time. I felt anger and I was burning inside as the medical doctors were around me. I also felt a sense of shame and disappointment. I felt like I disappointed my husband because it was like here we go again. I also felt like God disappointed me. Now all of my friends would look at me like what is wrong with her?’ Life had been good - as in getting back to some kind of normal - and now this. I felt like I was bashed for being a ‘bad Christian’ because my faith had been shaken.
After becoming pregnant again, I had another miscarriage in my second trimester. I couldn't understand why this had happened so many times. 5 pregnancy losses and the loss of my daughter at 2 ½ months old. I turned to what I knew: just get pregnant again and everything will be fine. I remember getting a call from someone from my insurance company, and she asked me how I was doing. I told her I was fine. She said, ‘I get that you're fine, but do me a favor. Just go and talk to this grief counselor. Go twice. I'll call you back to check on you, and then if you say you're fine, I'll know you're fine.’
This interaction was the one thing that changed everything for me. For the first time, I felt like I had permission to be angry and to express myself. Prior to this, I didn't feel like I was allowed to express my emotions. I wanted to let God know how I was feeling. However, all I kept hearing was, ‘You don't question God's plan for your life.’ But no one seemed to be able to help me understand what to do with all of the feelings I had.
After I began working with the grief counselor, I came to understand that therapy isn’t a one-time fix, like a genie in a bottle that you just rub and get everything. There’s really no timeline for feeling better, but talking to someone with compassion and professionalism gave me the tools I needed to deal with the days that I felt down.
I started doing things that brought me joy, like traveling. My husband and I found inexpensive places to go, and we started to have fun together again. With time, we began to give each other permission to grieve in our own way.
I was so moved by my experience with the counselor, I left a successful retail business and enrolled in graduate school. I'm currently working to help people from marginalized communities obtain access to programs and services.
My husband and I now have three living children, and we’ve learned that moving through grief doesn’t mean that the pain ends or that you’ll never feel sad again. It’s an ongoing process, a journey for the recovery of your soul, whatever that recovery is for you.”